All I Want Is You Read online

  “Get your mind out of the gutter.” Eli pulled his hand free and sat down. “Ash gave me these when I lost a bet. They’re supposed to be a reminder to behave myself or there would be consequences. I thought that it was a good thing to keep in mind when we went over to Mom and Dad’s house.”

  “Speaking of a bet…” Gareth eyed Ash and then his face broke out into a catlike grin. “When are you coming over to my shop so I can have my wicked way with your body?”

  “My arm, you only get my arm. I’m not letting you anywhere else with your needles.” Ash gave Eli a mournful glance, trying to do his best to imitate Jabbers. “You’re really dead set on tattooing me aren’t you? There’s no way I can talk you out of it.”

  “What’s that you say? A bet’s a bet?” This time Eli grinned, the first real smile he’d had in hours and Ash couldn’t stop himself from grinning back. “You don’t have a chance of talking me out of this, Georgia. I already have the design in mind.”

  Ash shook his head. He was doomed to have the Boston Red Sox stuck on his body for the rest of his life. “You’re lucky I love you.”

  “My shop, 10 a.m. tomorrow.” Gareth tipped the beer bottle toward Ash in a salute. “You’ll be my first victim of the day.”

  Chapter Six

  WHAT a crazy day. Eli dropped down on the couch and stretched out his legs. He craved some peace and quiet and time to think. He hoped he could get in a long hike tomorrow morning before Ash stirred. His partner was not a natural early riser and once he got up the day would be hectic. As much as Eli loved his hikes with Ash, he sometimes needed to go on a solitary one and just let himself be.

  Jabbers nosed his way past the front door that Eli had left ajar and went to his bed sniffing at it before making a search just in case Lady Godiva or some other four legged critter had invaded his space while he’d been gone. Eli watched him and listened to the soothing murmur of Ash’s voice on the porch as he talked on his cell phone.

  Ash had a surprise for him. That wouldn’t normally bother Eli in the slightest, but in this case Eli knew that Ash had been brooding over this surprise. Ash wasn’t the type to brood. Ash took action and it concerned him that whatever this was it was enough to keep Ash from behaving like himself. The last time Ash had brooded he’d gotten dead drunk. Not that he seemed like he was about to go off and drink himself into a stupor. So it couldn’t be that bad… still Eli was at a loss. He couldn’t figure out what kind of surprise could be good and make Ash fuss at the same time.

  Maybe they wanted to transfer him to a police station that wouldn’t be convenient to Amwich. Eli frowned and drummed his fingers on his stomach. No… Ash would talk about it with him. That’s what it really came do. Ash wasn’t talking to him and that bothered him. What if he wasn’t enough for Ash anymore? What if Ash was still searching for something that Eli hadn’t been able to give him?

  Jabbers came over and laid his head on Eli’s chest with a little whine. Eli looked into those sad eyes, scratching his ears. “Hey there, handsome.” Jabbers rumbled a questioning sound back at him and then licked Eli’s cheek. “It’s okay,” Eli said, stroking Jabbers’ back. “I’m just thinking. It’s been a long day.” Jabbers’ tail thumped against the couch as he clambered up to join Eli with more of those little rumbles that he’d been named for, punctuated by a couple of barks. “I know,” Eli agreed, “chasing rabbits is a lot more fun. Want to chase rabbits in the morning with me?”

  “You two are uncanny, you know that?” Ash said as he came in and shut the door. “You hold actual conversations. I’ve never seen a man and a dog so in tune with each other.”

  “What can I say, Jabbers is pretty special.” Eli draped his arm over the beagle who had stretched out on top of him like some kind of lap blanket. “How’s Kurtis?”

  “Good. He’s stuck in the garage putting the twin’s trikes together for Christmas. He says stuck, but he sounded very excited about seeing Brandon and Danielle’s face when they find them under the tree.”

  Ash trailed off and stood there looking down at Eli. There was a strange expression on Ash’s face, an expression he’d had often lately, and the same expression that he wore when he brooded. Eli put it all together with a sudden blaze of panicked insight. Ash wanted kids of his own now that he had settled down. Kids.

  It all made sense, all those cryptic questions from Ash and considering looks. Eli tried to remember every reference to children that Ash had brought up in the last couple of months. Ash was out of school now. He had a permanent home and a secure job. Eli had seen Ash with his god kids, knew how excited he was at having a niece or a nephew. He wanted kids and wasn’t sure how to bring it up to Eli.

  Jabbers sat up, his paws digging into Eli’s chest when he sensed Eli’s sudden agitation. His head fell back as he bayed and for half a hysterical second Eli felt like joining him. “Jabbers, bed,” Eli ordered with a snap of his fingers and a point in that direction. “I’m okay, you can stop.”

  “What was that all about?” Ash asked with a mystified expression as he watched Jabbers go over to his bed and curl up with a sigh and a sulk.

  “It’s been an upsetting day for him. First there was the mood at my parents. He never knows what to make of me there. Then we abandoned him with Gareth’s cat who treats him like he’s a cross between a kneading post and a comfy bed. He doesn’t know if she’s an enemy or a friend.”

  Jabbers laid his head on his paws and watched them intently, his ears twitching at the sound of their voices and his tail thumping whenever they glanced at him. “It’s hellahard being a beagle.” Ash picked up Eli’s legs, sat down on the couch and set them in his lap. “He got to play fetch with me, got a rawhide from Gareth, and he got cuddles with you. He’s spoiled rotten and I’m even worse about spoiling him than you.” He shook his finger at Jabbers who looked away and pretended not to notice.

  “So what did you talk about with my dad when you decided to rescue me this morning?”

  “Rescue you?” Ash snorted and unlaced Eli’s boots. “I saw the look in your eyes. I was recuing him.”

  Eli tried picturing a baby in Ash’s arms and found that he could way too easily. He had a harder time picturing himself. This was madness. They’d only been together a year. Granted, Eli didn’t want to be with anyone else. He knew he wanted to spend his life with Ash, but they should have a few years alone together before thinking of adding to the mix. He forced his mind away from the panic inducing thought of children and concentrated on the immediate problem, how to get through the rest of this visit with his sanity.

  “Mom said something about Dad today that struck me as odd.” Eli lifted up his foot so Ash could tug the first boot off. “I wanted to get your take on it.”

  “Okay, shoot.” Ash tossed the boot and sock and the floor and then started on the other one.

  “She said he was nervous.” The idea still struck him as ludicrous, but Eli really wanted to believe that it was true.

  “That was my impression. He got more relaxed after he grilled me.”

  “Grilled you!” Eli pushed himself up, his mouth falling open in indignation. “What gave him—”

  “Sorry, poor choice of words. Chill out.” Ash dropped the second boot and pushed Eli back down. “And you complain about me being overprotective. I can handle your dad. Besides, I kind of get where he’s coming from. He’s your dad and we’ve been living together for a year and he’d never met me. Of course he’d be curious.” He gave Eli a frown. “Especially since it seems like he’s gotten all his information about me from Gareth, not you.”

  “I’ve talked about you every time I’ve called.” Eli nudged Ash in the chest with his big toe. “So don’t get all hurt on me. I’ll admit that I could’ve called more, and that my conversations with my dad tend to be short and to the point, but I haven’t not talked about you.”

  “Good.” Ash captured his foot and moved to crack his toe knuckles before Eli jerked his foot back. “Because we discussed you a bit.”


  “Uh huh…” Eli eyed Ash’s sudden bland expression with suspicion. “And what was said?”

  “I told him I loved you.”

  Eli didn’t trust the innocent way that Ash said that anymore than he trusted Ash’s expression. Still it didn’t stop the flush of warmth that he got upon hearing that. “And what else?”

  A pained expression crossed Ash’s face. “Do you really want to know?”

  Eli gave that question some thought and Ash took the opportunity to pop his big toe knuckle. “Sadist.” Eli snatched his foot back again and poked Ash in the side. He wasn’t sure if he did want to know, not if it was going to irritate him. He’d spent enough of the day being out of sorts. “Do I need to know?”

  Ash reached for his foot and Eli moved it out of reach. “Most of it no, I don’t think you do, but I did tell him that usually you don’t give a flying fuck about anybody’s opinion unless it’s somebody who matters to you.”

  Eli couldn’t deny that it was true and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He’d like to not care about what his dad thought, but he did. Dammit, he really did. It filled him with such a confused jumble of emotions, the same way that his conversation with his mom had. He wanted their relationships to be better and he didn’t know how to make them better. He wanted all those old resentments and hurts on all sides to just disappear so they could start over. He loved his parents, knew they loved him, yet it didn’t seem to be quite enough.

  “Hey, I didn’t tell you that to make you sad.” Ash rubbed Eli’s leg then reached for his hand.

  Eli shook his head. “I’m not sad, I’m… at a loss.”

  Ash nudged Eli until he shifted onto his side and then Ash stretched out on the couch to face him. “It seems to me that you’ve been at a loss for most of the day. What happened between you and your mom to get you so worked up?”

  Eli couldn’t even think about it without his stomach souring over again. He had no right to make his mom feel guilty over something that happened so long ago. He’d have to apologize to her tomorrow night. “Part of it you know, about Dad being nervous. The rest…” Eli sighed. “I brought up things best left buried and said things that I shouldn’t have said.”

  Ash tugged Eli’s braid over his shoulder and slipped off the tie on the end. “What did you bring up?”

  Eli almost got up and told him that he didn’t want to talk about it, but Ash began unraveling the braid, finger combing his way through Eli’s hair and the action was so typical, so comforting and familiar that he found himself spilling his guts anyway. Ash’s fingers stilled as he watched Eli with those calm green eyes of his and Eli held onto that gaze. “I shouldn’t have brought it up, I shouldn’t have thrown it in her face like that,” Eli said at the end. “It won’t solve anything.”

  “Actually, I think you’re wrong. It did need to be said.” Ash cut off Eli’s protest with a raised brow. “Listen, you weren’t being cruel. What happened when you were a teenager, that really hurt you, and I don’t think it’s ever been acknowledged.”

  “But—”

  “Just hear me out.” Ash finished undoing Eli’s hair and cupped the nape of Eli’s neck, his strong fingers kneading the tense muscles there. “Sometimes when things aren’t said they fester. Not talking about it hasn’t helped it stop hurting, probably hasn’t helped them not feel guilty over it. So air it out. Maybe they thought they were doing their best by you, maybe they didn’t realize how much it had cut. Now they know. And it’s not inside you anymore. What happens now is up to them.”

  Ash was right; there wasn’t anything else Eli could do about his mom and dad. He could understand their initial reaction. Nobody is really ready to find out that their teenager may be sexually active. And the uproar had made things very difficult for his dad on base. So it wasn’t the initial fight that had bothered him for so long. He couldn’t even remember what had been said. What had kept eating at him was remembering that fear, that terrible fear when he’d been sent away, and the feeling of not belonging when he returned. He’d kept waiting for them to decide that they didn’t want him anymore so he’d tried to make himself as much of nuisance as possible on purpose so he didn’t have to wait in anxiety for it to happen again.

  Eli hadn’t realized until now why he’d been so damned prickly and defiant. He’d been scared. And deep down, each time he’d come home, a little of that fear was still there. He’d still been waiting for them to decide that they were done with him and his drama. Looking at it now, it seemed over-the-top absurd. They wouldn’t do that.

  He should tell them that. Tomorrow night when they went over for Christmas dinner would pull them aside and tell them. Like Ash said, air it all out. And see what happened then. He’d already done most of his healing. He’d found the support he’d needed with Lu and Neil, Grumpy and Grandma. His parents had sent him to the place he needed to be at the time.

  Eli smiled and leaned up to kiss the freckle at the corner of Ash’s mouth. “Have I said I love you today?”

  Ash nuzzled him back with a smile. “You could say it again. I don’t mind.”

  “I love you.” Eli wrapped his arms around Ash and held him closer. “You’re wonderful. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “I can think of a few things.” Ash pulled back and rubbed his hand over his jeans. “About that surprise—”

  Pure, unadulterated panic struck Eli and his heart jumped into his throat. Now? He wanted to talk about adopting kids now! His heart plummeted back down to his chest and began beating rapid fire.

  “Not tonight,” Eli held up his hand and felt bad about the little flash of hurt in Ash’s eyes. “Tomorrow you can tell me about the surprise. I’m sorry; I just need a little thinking time tonight. Or maybe when we get back home, that would be a good time to discuss it.” He gave Ash a pleading look as the panic crept in again. “Please?”

  Ash seemed to deflate a bit. “Okay, we’ll talk about it later.”

  That made Eli feel more than a little bad. He could tell this was important to Ash and his partner had just listened to him vent. He steeled himself. He could talk about this like a rational adult. Even if the word “kid” made him gibber in terror inside. It was ridiculous. A kid was a person. A very short, somewhat insane person, who had their own reasoning that made no sense to anyone else. But still a person.

  He slid his arms around Ash and pulled him to him again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. We can talk about it tonight.”

  “No, no. You’re right. Tonight’s not the time. It’s been a long day.” Ash smiled and got up from the couch before holding his hand out to Eli to help him up too. “Besides, I want it to be perfect when we talk about it and lying down on the couch just isn’t the right setting. It’s okay, we’ll talk about it later.”

  Baffled Eli took his hand and walked with Ash back to the bedroom. Wasn’t the right setting… What the hell did he mean by that? Did he plan on changing one of the guest bedrooms into a nursery as a surprise? The Hermitage had more than enough room for a family. Eli suppressed hysterical laugh that threatened to bubble up to the surface. Oh well, if Ash dragged him to a playground or made him hold Melanie’s baby, he’d at least know what was coming. Until then he could use the time to get used to the idea.

  Chapter Seven

  RESIGNING himself to his fate, Ash stepped through the door. There would be no talking Eli into another bet until this one had been settled. Evil man. He eyeballed Eli as he greeted his cousin with their usual exchange of hugs and hands slaps. At least Eli was in a much happier mood this morning. It was like he’d dropped off all the stress of this visit overnight. Ash was happy to see the light back in his eyes again.

  Ash hadn’t thought that he’d said anything all that profound to Eli last night. He just pointed out that Eli shouldn’t feel guilty for telling his mom how he felt. It was out there now and could be dealt with. Even if his parents chose not to address it, now that Eli had let it out, he could face it and
move on. Eli’s biggest problem was that he was more concerned with other peoples’ states of mind than his own.

  “No need to hang back, Ash.” Gareth waved him in. “I promise, I won’t fuck up your arm.”

  “I am going to have the Boston Red Sox’s logo permanently inked on my bicep. I say that’s pretty fucked up.”

  Eli turned sparkling gray eyes on him, grinning without any sign of shame. “It could be so much worse.”

  Ash looked around the shop at all the artwork on display ranging from the beautiful to the grotesque. Though some of the pieces were amazing he couldn’t picture them on his body. At least the logo was simple, small and easy to hide. “Very true.” He’d been teasing before, only now he was started to have serious second thoughts. But he’d never reneged on a bet after he’d lost and he wasn’t about to now.

  “Come on and we’ll get started.” Gareth led them to the back of the shop toward one of the cubicles. He drew aside the curtain around the second one and gestured them both in. There was enough room for the chair and two stools, the walls were covered in photographs of past clients, Lady Godiva and pinned up pieces that Ash assumed Gareth had drawn. He liked the clean lines, the realism in most of the art. Well Eli wouldn’t have suggested Gareth if he didn’t think he’d do a good job.

  “Take of your shirt. Make yourself comfortable.” Gareth patted the chair. “Eli, come give me your opinion on the final piece.”

  Ash shrugged out of his T-shirt and sat back in the chair, picking out tiny details around him to distract himself. Like how the seat covering was cold against his skin at first before it warmed up and the clutter of objects crowded on Gareth’s shelves in the cubicle. There was everything from art books and binders, to a laptop and several dozen CDs.