All I Want Is You Read online

  Eli set the bowl away and thought about what she said. He did have to admit that he was pretty stubborn and he might even slide into the area of being pig headed at times. And he could absolutely agree that his dad was the same way, though he wasn’t sure what that had to do about how his dad was acting this morning. “Okay, I’ll admit to being stubborn.”

  His mom sighed and looked at him from the corner of her eye. “You don’t really have a choice in the matter, Elijah. If you deny it you’d need to be committed for delusions.” She handed him a stack of plates. “And you and your dad both expect the worst out of each other.”

  Eli started to deny it and then made himself think about that statement too. “Not without reason.” Speaking of thinking the worst, right now he was dying to know what his dad and Ash were talking about out there. He moved over to the window and watched his dad and Ash for a minute before he turned away. If Ash caught him peeking he’d never hear the end of it.

  “I won’t deny that, on both sides.” She wiped down the sink, then turned to him and crossed her arms. “You came here expecting the worst and are determined to see the worst. There isn’t any room for anything else. And he,” she turned and stabbed her finger toward the door, “is all ready to get prickly and defensive the moment you get prickly and defensive.”

  “If I didn’t want things to be different I never would’ve come and brought Ash with me. I don’t want to fight over the holidays.” Eli leaned against the counter as what was left of the angry energy drained from him, leaving him bone deep tired. There had to be a better way. He refused to be upset for the rest of the visit. “Okay, if you don’t want me to jump to conclusions, show it to me from his perspective. Do you know why he won’t even look at us today or barely said a word? Will you explain that, because I can’t?”

  “Oh, Eli.” There was a wealth of emotion in those two words that Eli couldn’t decipher. “He’s nervous.”

  “What?”

  She shook her head at his incredulous tone. “He really wants this to go well and he’s so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, afraid that he’s going to drive you away for good that he’s second guessing everything that he does want to say.”

  It was an absolutely ludicrous idea. Eli had never once seen his dad nervous over anything. And yet… nerves might explain the completely abnormal behavior. He slid a finger through his cuff ring and toyed with it as he thought it over. “I’ve never known Dad to be anxious over anything.”

  “That’s just because you can’t see it. He has nerves same as anybody else. He just doesn’t hide it as well anymore.” She craned her neck to look up at him and Eli hated seeing the sad slump of her shoulders and the worry lines around her eyes. That was partly his fault.

  “I don’t understand why you two are so ready to fight all the time. And it’s not just you and your dad. I feel like I lost you years ago and I don’t know how to get you back. You’ve been distant with me since you were a teenager. And I find myself getting mad too, like when you mention Lu. I feel like I’ve been replaced, like I’m some kind of distant relation instead of your mother. I don’t know how it started and I want to know how to fix it.”

  “Mom…” For a moment Eli stared at her, stunned by the outpouring and not sure how to answer without causing more grief. His mind reeled back from the awful hurt. It had been an experience that had defined him and it didn’t occur to her that it might be a reason for him wanting to keep his heart safe, to stay away. Had it meant that little to her?

  “Mom, you sent me away from home. I was upset and scared and I needed you and your support and you sent me to Grumpy and Grandma’s for the summer and for every summer after that. All because I was caught with another boy and Dad didn’t know how to deal. How did you expect I would feel about that?”

  His mom’s eyes went wide and her hand came to her mouth. “Eli, I…”

  Shit! This was not what he wanted to do over the holidays. Now he’d hurt her. He’d known that his contentious relationship with his dad had bothered her. He hadn’t realized that there had been a personal issue as well.

  “No don’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I know that you did what you thought was best.” Eli shut the cabinet door and searched for an escape. Ash had taken Jabbers so he couldn’t even use him as an excuse for what Ash would call a strategic emergency walk. He didn’t want her feeling guilty for something that didn’t matter anymore. After all, being exiled to New Hampshire had led to his close relationship with his grandparents, Lu and Neil.

  “So, Mom, knowing you, you’re planning on something fancy for lunch. Do you need help getting set up?”

  Chapter Five

  ASH knew that he had a tendency to be a little overprotective of Eli. He also knew that it irked the shit out of Eli. He had to admit that maybe he could be a tad bit overbearing, like in the situation with Wayne. In his defense, for as intelligent as Eli was, once he decided that a person was either in the friend column or the other column it was hard to change his mind. And that blindness sometimes drove Ash batshit.

  Jabbers snuffled around the bushes and trees as Ash stood with Eli’s dad and let the silence stretch out. He wasn’t in anymore of a hurry to fill it than David Hollister was and it gave him time to gather thoughts on how he wanted to approach this. Eli was going to be furious with him for interfering, but that was better than watching this self-fulfilling prophecy play out. He did not want to see Eli miserable for the next few days.

  “So Gareth tells me that you went to the Mideast for a couple of tours,” David finally said, clasping his hands together as he shot Ash a quick, guarded look. Ash turned to study him in return. He now knew where Eli got his height, but the expressive face and gray eyes came from his mom. David didn’t come across as stern, like Ash expected, more as taciturn. He didn’t wear his emotions as Eli did, for everyone to see, he kept them close and safe. At least that’s the impression Ash got.

  “A few, Iraq and Afghanistan, then back to Iraq again when my Reserve unit was called up.” David continued to give him a measuring stare that Ash knew very well. He’d been on the receiving end of it many times, usually with older soldiers. It was as if they were trying to reconcile what their image of a gay man was with the man that stood before them.

  It always irritated Ash. A man was a man, didn’t matter their color, their orientation, there were all kinds. And all those labels did nothing to define who a man really was, their deeds decided that. “Eli he told me that you served in Vietnam and Desert Storm.”

  “I did, was drafted into the Army. Scared out of my wits at the time, but it opened my eyes to possibilities outside my home. And I loved flying. When I got out of the Army and went to college I was determined to be a pilot.”

  Well if David wanted to talk solider talk, Ash would give it to him. Hopefully, when they got back inside, the tension would’ve lessened. He was pretty sure that Eli had been about to say something that he would probably really regret later on. He’d seen it in the mutinous line of his jaw, the hard set of his lips and the way he kept playing with his cuffs. All of them were danger signs.

  Ash picked up a stick and played a few rounds of fetch with Jabbers so he’d wear himself out. The dog had as much energy as Kurtis’s twins in one black, tan and white package and Jabbers threw himself into the game with joyful abandon. Ash and David talked about the situations in the Middle East and North Africa, cautiously talked around the dubious area of politics, and discussed the latest news back home in Amwich. As they talked, David’s taciturn behavior eased and his hands unclasped as he seemed to relax more.

  “Gareth also said that you’d been wounded on one of your tours.”

  Ash flexed his hand, conscious again of the scar tissue along his side. The memories didn’t haunt him as much as they used to though. He had Eli to thank for that. However, he was beginning to wonder if Eli had told his dad anything about him. All of his information seemed to come from Gareth. “Yes, sir. Got caught in a
bombing, but the doctors did a good job of patching me back up.”

  “And you went back.” David gave him a penetrating look and it was impossible to tell what he was thinking, whether he considered it to be foolish or brave. Ash didn’t think he was either, he had just been doing his duty.

  Ash picked up the stick that Jabbers brought to him and patted his head before tossing it again. “You’ve got your facts right.”

  David nodded as if he’d come to some kind of internal decision. “I had a cousin who was a Marine, you guys are tough bastards. You’ll need that to handle my son.”

  “With respect, sir, Eli doesn’t need to be handled.” Ash didn’t even want to think how Eli would react if he thought someone was trying to ‘handle’ him. And if that was the approach David had been taking all these years no wonder him and Eli butted heads so often. He hoped Eli didn’t kill him for what he was about to say. “He just wants your approval.”

  David snorted and his expression cracked enough for him to give Ash an incredulous look. “Clearly, you don’t know Eli. He’s never needed anyone’s approval. He makes sure to fling that in everyone’s face. He goes his own way. He always has and has never sought anyone’s opinion.”

  That cankered. Ash could see it in the other man’s eyes before David turned away and began gathering firewood from a stack by the shed. He equated Eli’s free-spiritedness to not just a lack of respect… Ash suspected that David believed that it meant that Eli didn’t care about anything but himself and that hurt his dad.

  Ash frowned, what a messed up tangle that had been years in the making. “You’re right about one thing.” David paused, his arms half-full and his face turned just enough so he could see Ash out of the corner of his eye. “Eli doesn’t give a flying fuck about the general public’s opinion. He’s pretty secure in who he is. It’s one of things I love about him.”

  David nodded with a grim expression as if Ash had only verified what he’d suspected and Ash didn’t give that opinion a chance to sink in. “But when it comes to people he loves, their opinion matters a quite a bit. That’s why he puts on such a show of indifference or defiance. He cares too much.”

  He set Jabbers’ stick aside and rubbed the beagle’s ears when he jumped up and stretched his paws on Ash’s thigh. “You want to see your Daddy?” Jabbers barked and raced to the back door. “I guess that answers that.”

  Ash started to reach for some firewood to help and David waved him off. “Go on and get back inside before Eli decides to rescue you.” He paused and his brows drew together in a frown. “I’ll stay out here a bit, think on things.”

  Well, maybe that was a good sign. Ash shoved his hand into his pocket and cupped the ring as he headed back toward the house. Gareth was taking them out later. Maybe that would put Eli in a receptive mood. He should ask tonight now that he’d met Anita and David. Eli wouldn’t be stressing over the introduction anymore. Only one question kept niggling at Ash, other than telling his parents that he had a live-in boyfriend, had Eli discussed Ash at all with them?

  ASH sat with Eli and Gareth at one of the back tables at the dimly lit bar. The music provided a nice backdrop without it being so loud that it prevented them from talking. Not that Eli was saying too much. He wasn’t in a temper. A temper Ash could deal with. He was in a mood, brooding and poking at something. And until Ash could get him alone he wouldn’t get it out of him either.

  “So how did it go today at your folks’ place?” Gareth asked as he signaled one of the servers. “You all were in the room when I arrived, that’s a good sign.”

  Eli shrugged and the corner of his mouth tipped up in a strange smile. “The worst case scenario didn’t happen. I think we’ll all manage to muddle through the visit. So I count it as a win.”

  Eli counted that as a win? Between the awkward silences, the occasional thick tension that would rear up, and the glances exchanged full of unspoken, pent up frustration, Ash had thought he would lose it. He couldn’t imagine his family ever being like the Hollisters. Melanie would’ve burst a blood vessel before she managed to hold back anything that was on her mind. When he’d returned to the kitchen he’d found Eli cooking with his mom, for godssake. Eli never cooked, not unless it was absolutely necessary.

  Ash was very glad that Gareth had managed to secure them another place to stay. Eli’s parents weren’t cruel, or thoughtless, or all the other things that Ash had wondered about. He’d thought that they’d both tried to make him feel welcome, but the tension would’ve had him going out of his skin in no time. Maybe that’s why Eli dreaded these visits so much.

  “Considering how nervous you were about coming down here at all, I think muddling through sounds like it went pretty damn good.” Gareth twisted around in is chair and tried to signal the server again. “I mean they didn’t try to kick the two of you out or convince you that you needed to go in a different direction with your life. That’s good.”

  Gareth didn’t see the expression that crossed Eli’s face, but Ash did. A sort of resigned grimace that made him wonder what Eli had talked about with his mom that had gotten him worked up. He’d gone from being pissed to… Ash didn’t know what kind of mood when he’d come back into the kitchen, pensive maybe.

  “No they didn’t do that. Though Dad did have to bring up the whole dating my student thing,” Eli said as Gareth made one more attempt to wave at the server who was standing at another table, in the middle of a laughing conversation.

  “I swear, Kelly hasn’t said one word to me since I broke up with her brother,” Gareth muttered as he turned back to them. “Well, Uncle David is old school and a teacher-student relationship definitely made him twitch a bit. But he got over the worst of it after Ash graduated.”

  “He dropped that the moment I told him I instigated it. I think I shocked him.” Ash guessed Eli’s dad never had a thing for one of his teacher’s in his life. Ash was of the opinion that nobody should blame him for his behavior considering the amount of temptation that he’d been under. “If he knew the whole story is hair would go white.”

  “You’re probably right.” Eli stood up and nudged the chair back in with his foot. “Gareth, you’re not going to get her attention. I remember Kelly and her brother. You’re dead to her for life. I’ll grab us some beers from the bar.”

  As soon as Eli got far enough away to not overhear, Gareth leaned closer. “Okay, what happened?”

  Ash shrugged, uncomfortable with the idea of gossiping about Eli. “I’m not sure. I’m hoping to get it out of him tonight. I don’t think it went all that bad, but since I’ve never been with Eli and his parents before I can’t really judge. They’re very different from my family.” What he had with them was more like what Gareth had with his mother, loud and warm and friendly. Eli’s parents were more reserved; they talked around the important things.

  “There’s a lot of history there, but they all keep trying,” Gareth said. “I think they’ll eventually get where they want to be.”

  Ash looked at Eli who leaned against the bar. His braided hair fell in a long, graceful line down his back and his face in profile showed the strong jaw and the elegant line of his nose. Ash wished he could make it easier for him, the way that Eli stood by him when Ash needed him.

  “Aw man, you’ve got it bad.” Ash jerked his eyes back to Gareth who was watching him with a smile. “That’s good, I like knowing that Eli’s happy. You two seem to mesh well. Though I have to say, with everything that he’s been through with his dad, I’m surprised that he fell for a Marine.”

  “Yeah, I do have it bad.” He stole another quick glance at Eli who seemed to be busy chatting with the bartender. “So you’ve been friends with Eli forever not just cousins.”

  “Ooohh boy, that sounds like an interesting lead in.” Gareth folded his arms on the table and leaned closer. “What’s on your mind, Ashley?”

  Ash’s head fell back with a groan. “God, he told you? I’m going to get him so good for that.”

  “There�
�s not many secrets between us. So what’s on your mind?”

  Ash shifted in his chair as he tried to figure out how to ask about Eli’s views on marriage without giving it away. He hadn’t even told Kurtis that he planned on proposing. “How do you think Eli feels about settling down?”

  Gareth’s brows lifted and he regarded Ash with a fierce frown. “You two seem pretty settled to me. You’re not getting restless are you?”

  “Oh hell no.”

  Gareth’s face relaxed and he grabbed a handful of the peanuts on the table. “So if you’re not thinking of wandering then you’re thinking of something more permanent?”

  This time it was Ash’s turn to frown as he watched Gareth crack the nuts out of their shell. “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to. Your face said it all. Then there are the glances you keep shooting at my cousin, so what’s the problem?”

  Ash looked at Eli again as he tucked his credit card back into his wallet. He didn’t know the answer to Gareth’s question. Was it just nerves or something deeper nagging at him?

  “You know what I think?” Gareth said, breaking into his thoughts as Eli laid a tip on the bar counter.

  Ash turned his attention back to Gareth and tried to calm the butterflies in his stomach. “What?”

  “You’re over thinking things. Go with your gut. I get the feeling that you do that often anyways, has it ever lead you wrong?”

  Ash thought of dark eyes in a veiled face, but the memory didn’t have the power it once had. Maybe his mistake then had been not going with his gut and letting his heart run things. He smiled as Eli headed toward them, loaded down with beer bottles. And some things were worth the risk. Tonight he’d get whatever was bothering Eli out of him and then he’d ask. He was tired of waiting.

  “Here you go.” Eli handed the beers around and Gareth caught his arm.

  “Wait just one minute.” Gareth stuck his finger through the D-ring of Eli’s cuff, his expression incredulous. Then he cut Ash a narrow-eyed look as if he was replaying back their conversation and jumping to conclusions. “Is there something you need to tell me? Have you been holding out on the good stuff?”